It’s funny how desire decides everything; no matter how important I consider something, if there’s no desire for it, no joy, it’s just very hard to make it happen; there needs to be a visible gain; if the thing is important enough, I apply artificial means to revive the desire for it.

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Observing human phenomena and trends in the present world, it’s like a zoo, the animals, mad from the lock-up and lack of spiritual stimulation are on the verge to jump the fence; yet, we’re little pigeons, obliviously feeding on the crumbs we’re thrown, still too fat to fly that high.

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I’m satisfied. Except that it’s just something I say to cover the fact that I’m not. Don’t misunderstand me, everything is fine. It’s just that, well, it’s a crazy world, and you gotta be crazy to live in it. It drags you down. Unless you find a means, a mechanism that pulls you up.

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Realizing that reality is not what I thought it was. And I suspect that it’s not what I think it is either. And I’m tempted to predict that it will never be what I think it will be. But I’m not so sure. It could be that I will know exactly what it will be like. If I’m connected.

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I don’t have the strength anymore, the strength to pretend that I’m alive. I wish I could give it up, this me pretending I’m me, this Everything is okay, lie. Nothing is okay. Not as long as we’re just pretending. Pretending to care. Because we don’t. I care only for myself.

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Happiness as in a child absorbed in playing, or happiness as in an adult correctly using the forces at hand to realize a given purpose. It’s two different things — but is it really? This emptiness, this gray dullness of adulthood; I stopped playing indeed — but did I become an adult?

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Looking for the point, the core of things, as if you don’t know what it is, till you remember it and see it, not in yourself, but between you, hearts approaching each other; and you realize how crazy it is that you could forget, it’s so obvious, and hidden all the same.

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When it comes down to it, it’s all about desire. It’s there and you’re alive, or not. I don’t know if you can create desire but at least you can somehow enhance and increase it if you let it engage with other desires. Other people I guess. I know what desire I would strengthen.

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To use what’s at hand. However different, or even opposite your goal is to your present state or situation, it’s funny how what’s at hand is the perfect means to reach it. It’s seemingly a contradiction, but it’s not; it’s everything but a contradiction.

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Why does it always have to be pain and heavy suffering that triggers good development? Of course, if the present situation is unpleasant, you choose to move away from it, to something else. Wouldn’t it be nice though, if only a little sting would do the trick.

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Staffan Carle

Translator, forklift driver, father, student of human integral systems, expat in Japan