Happiness as in a child absorbed in playing, or happiness as in an adult correctly using the forces at hand to realize a given purpose. It’s two different things — but is it really? This emptiness, this gray dullness of adulthood; I stopped playing indeed — but did I become an adult?

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Looking for the point, the core of things, as if you don’t know what it is, till you remember it and see it, not in yourself, but between you, hearts approaching each other; and you realize how crazy it is that you could forget, it’s so obvious, and hidden all the same.

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When it comes down to it, it’s all about desire. It’s there and you’re alive, or not. I don’t know if you can create desire but at least you can somehow enhance and increase it if you let it engage with other desires. Other people I guess. I know what desire I would strengthen.

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To use what’s at hand. However different, or even opposite your goal is to your present state or situation, it’s funny how what’s at hand is the perfect means to reach it. It’s seemingly a contradiction, but it’s not; it’s everything but a contradiction.

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Why does it always have to be pain and heavy suffering that triggers good development? Of course, if the present situation is unpleasant, you choose to move away from it, to something else. Wouldn’t it be nice though, if only a little sting would do the trick.

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Time, space and motion. And the perception of them. Is that all? “Life”? So not exciting. I don’t approve. I mean, it’s not that I have much of a choice but to approve. But I don’t. Call me naive. Arrogant. Agree. But there must be something more than this.

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Not a thing is real. Not a thing. It’s funny though how real it seems. All these objects, phenomena and feelings. No matter how I turn my gaze, what I see is seemingly not just shadows on a wall. Seemingly it’s real. I’m fooled. I may say it’s involuntary. I may say it’s not.

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I think I’m able. I’m not. I think I’m doing things. I don’t. I think I’m advancing. I guess I am, but for now I’m just skimming the surface here. Sometimes I think I’m about to take the leap. But I’m not. I’m being protected. From entering reality. Justifiably so.

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I guess it’s not about justifying the suffering, I mean, just because we know there’s another side to it, a positive development, it doesn’t mean we’re able to swallow the bitter medicine just like that, not without first sweetening it, for each other, somehow.

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Staffan Carle

Translator, forklift driver, father, student of human integral systems, expat in Japan