Not that there’s always something shinier, something more desirable or, hmm, picturesque. When at the bottom, you don’t really care about those things. You care about something greater, something bigger, more important and, hmm; it’s a picture which you yourself are not really in.

Sometimes I’m an animal. Usually, really. Sometimes I’m human. Rarely. The human asks for reasons. The animal works from instinct, to satisfy its needs. It’s automatic work. The human works through feeling, thought and intention. Seemingly free. But dependent on other humans.

Decisions. Not sure I make any at all. Not inside of me. If I do, they’re always wrong. Always benefiting myself. Unless I’m influenced by some outer force that stimulates some tiny thing inside of me that wants out. Till then I stay a prisoner of pure bias.

I am a stray dog, a log floating along randomly in some river. No control. Gonna drown. Guess not. I guess the river is society. People. I’m just one of them. No more, no less. In some strange way we’re in control of the river. We… We just didn’t figure it out yet.

A deficiency for something else. I already have something. But it’s just not enough. Not anymore. But I don’t know what it is that I want. Anything but this, I guess. I start building it. Unconsciously perhaps. But together with others. Cause I know it’s not in me.

To be. Existence. Life. It’s background stuff. More important is food and sex, social adaptation and opposition. What will become of us when necessity forces us to get preoccupied by the meaning and goal of our existence? By love instead of opposition? Argh, dark future.

Looking at the world, thinking it’s crazy, sick and degenerated. In other words, it’s perfect. I mean, what else would you expect that this little cogwheel –me– one out of eight billion, would see? I mean, it’s a complicated machine. All I know, is to spin around my own axis.

This feeling of being stuck; wanna fly but can’t even roll over. As if chained to myself. Like a plant, barely reacting to surrounding elements. Show me a way out. I’ll do everything to avoid it. I am a happy slave to my ego. Boredom over freedom. Till death parts them. Or #life.

Tired. Powerless. Drained. Usually seen as a negative state. But not really. Really not. Rather an indication of a lack of desire. An opening. Time to go next. A sign of the need for real development. I mean, “development” we have plenty of. Only, it’s not the kind we need.